barry zito

Eulogy for Barry Zito…and Something About a Squirrel

BarryZitoCard AndyPettitteCard

Way back in 2001, I was managing some girl’s fantasy baseball team for her, and I traded away Andy Pettitte for Barry Zito and Derek Lowe. At this point in time, Pettitte was already a well established name, with four World Series titles under his belt already, while Zito was a relative unknown in his first full season. I was taking a bit of a risk, but my talent assessment was spot on, as Zito would win 17 games that year and the Cy Young the next year, while Pettitte was highly overrated because of his media exposure. I won that trade. But the greatest artists are never truly appreciated in their time, and that girl “fired” me from managing her team after trading away the only player on her team that she actually knew.

Now it’s 2013, and with the retirement of Pettitte and the expiration of Zito’s horrible 7 year/$126 million contract, it’s time to take a second look back at that trade. Now, my fantasy league was not a keeper league and I know that fantasy baseball is not real life (my girlfriend keeps reminding me that as well), but considering how good that Pettitte-for-Zito deal looked two years after the fact, one would have expected that the deal would only continue to look better and better as the years went by, since Zito was much younger. Well, that hasn’t been the case, as Pettitte has generally been a decent middle of the rotation pitcher (in both fantasy and real life) when he hasn’t been injured or retired, while Zito has been a humongous piece of shit, pretty much the worst player in baseball over the last seven years. I can’t fucking believe that the Giants have won two World Series with this guy on the roster; it just makes me want to vomit on a squirrel. So maybe that 2001 trade wasn’t such the triumph of “talent evaluation” that I thought it was…

This is all just a roundabout way of getting to the point, which is saying that I can’t believe that Zito’s 7-year monstrosity of a contract is finally over. SEVEN YEARS.  These seasons are just flying by, and yet another one has come to an end. But we made it. We outlasted this terrible contract, the worst of all time. And as much as I loved making fun of Barry Zito, that sorry sack of snake semen, it’s time for him to go away. So, in hopes of your departure, this is my eulogy for you, Barry Zito, the ricin of fantasy baseball. You were truly magnificent in your awfulness. Now go jump off a cliff.

Barry F. Zito

I play in a weekly head-to-head points based fantasy baseball league.  On Sunday, I was locked in a very close matchup and I was presented with a quandary:  a.) start Barry Zito or b.) bench Zito and receive zero points.  Trust me, I very nearly decided not to start Zito, because, well, it’s BARRY F***ING ZITO. But I let the numbers compel me: 2.94 ERA in day games with .195 BAA versus 5.16 ERA at night, 3.27 ERA in home games versus 5.66 ERA in away games, and 2.84 ERA against San Diego versus 4.79 against everyone else. This game was at home, during the day and against a SD that had just been no-hit and whose lineup was barely recognizable. All the signs were saying “start him”, and like a chump, I did.  Result?  A 10 hit, 9 run explosion for NEGATIVE ten points.  I know that you may not know the exact scoring system of my league, but you can probably guess that -10 is, um, not so good.  I mean, I am SOOO STUPID. WHY WOULD YOU EVER TRUST BARRY ZITO? I have only myself to blame, but in case you are also dense like me, whether in fantasy or real life, NEVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER TRUST BARRY F***KING ZITO.