transformers

The Terrible Tigers Bullpen

phil coke

The Detroit Tigers bullpen is a flaming wet turd. You may ask, how can something be both wet and on fire at the same time? Such is the seeming impossibility of this craptitude. The Tigers bullpen has a 5.65 ERA, ranked 29th in the majors. The only team that is worse so far is Houston at 6.05, but the Astros are not a real team. Well, they are real in the sense that they are physical objects and not illusions, but, according to reliable sources, the entire Astros roster is actually a barnstorming team from the 1890’s (people were generally smaller back then, so this explains the existence of Jose Altuve) that has been resurrected via Edo Tensei, which best translates as Impure Reincarnation Summoning Technique. In other words, the Astros are literally the walking dead. But…the Tigers’ aggregate bullpen numbers include 6 innings of scoreless “relief” thrown by Drew Smyly, a starting pitcher. Subtract Smyly’s innings from the total and the bullpen ERA rises to a spectacular 6.22. As mentioned in my season preview, the Tigers will likely struggle to create any space in the division all year, because the bullpen is the terriblest in the league. They are even terribler than a bunch of zombies.

Other thoughts this week:

  • Hitter of the year, to date: Who the hell is Charlie Blackmon? And what the hell is he on? He’s the #1 hitter in fantasy at the moment, hitting .402 with 5 HR and 6 SB. I’ve heard him mentioned in the same sentence as Mike Trout, and that sentence is usually “Let’s not get carried away and compare Blackmon to Trout.” But Trout hasn’t been running this year and has 31 strikeouts. Blackmon has struck out six times. SIX. I’ve always said that Trout, with his square head, blocky frame and red garb, looks like an Autobot, specifically Hot Rod (I’m talking about Transformers the Movie from 1986, not any of this Michael Bay garbage. If you have not seen it, you need to go see it immediately. I just made it a requirement for league membership). Blackmon, swathed in black and purple, may be Trout’s perfect Decepticon counterpart. Charlie Blackmon is Cyclonus




 Hm…looks like Mike Trout could use some more courage. 



So what is Charlie Blackmon on? A little energon and a lot of luck. Or maybe it’s a little luck and a hell of a lot of energon. And steroids. And HGH. I don’t know. But we know now, thanks to my connecting the dots, that he is definitely a bad guy. Because all Decepticons are bad guys. So nothing would surprise me. 

  • Pitcher of the year, to date: Adam Wainwright is the #1 pitcher in fantasy, and right now looks like he can do whatever he wants. He has not been scored on in 25 straight innings, and has only given up 9 hits in that span. Waino had two starts last week; he left the first start after 79 pitches and 7 innings because he tweaked his knee and left the second start after 99 pitches and 8 innings probably because of lingering concerns about that knee.  It looks like the knee will be a non-issue, but in normal circumstances, that should have been two shutouts. We are inundated these days with good starting pitching performances (ESPN reports that Sunday produced a record 10 pitchers throwing 7 innings with 3 hits or less allowed), but Wainwright still stands apart from the crowd. Despite my well-documented loathing of the Cardinals (I found a new reason this weekend, as I discovered their Hawk-Harrelson-esque announcers are audio vomit), this is not an attempt to jinx Adam Wainwright. I can be objective (sometimes), and I think Wainwright finishes the year as the #1 pitcher in fantasy baseball. It won’t even be close. 
  • Pitching line of the week #1: On Saturday: Danny Duffy, 0.0 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 0 SO, LOSS, 3 batters faced. The mystery is in the line; if he faced three batters, how come his line is all zeros? This was a disaster for Duffy. Hit batter, then the next batter bunted and Duffy threw it away. Then the following batter bunted and Duffy threw it away AGAIN as the winning run scored. You’ve really got to watch it, it’s spectacular. For all that, Duffy still gets to have an ERA of 0.00 for the season. Sometimes stats make no sense. 
  • Pitching line of the week #2: Again on Saturday, Brandon Morrow: 2.2 IP, 0 H, 4 ER, 8 BB, 1 K. This is how you get pulled from a no-hitter in the 3rd inning. Thing is, he almost got away with it. Despite walking four batters in the first two innings, two double plays helped Morrow to enter the third inning unscathed. He then walked four batters to allow one run to score, got pulled, then the reliever came in and gave up a grand slam. I blame the manager for this. Only one run had scored at this point. Leave Morrow in and either let him work it out or go for the all-time walks record (16). No-lose scenario. 

I Don’t Want To Talk…

– I don’t want to talk about the All-Star Game. Every year I talk about how bad the selections are, how there are too many relief pitchers selected, how there is too much emphasis on small-sample-size-first-half performances, how the one-player-per-team minimum sucks and how the rosters are too big. Whatever. It’s like the Bush administration; you complain and complain but then eight years go by and nothing has changed.

– I don’t want to talk about worthless records. Zach Greinke becomes the first pitcher in 95 years to start three consecutive games (thanks to an ejection and the all-star break)…and pitches poorly in all three games. And he is now missing his next start due to “fatigue”. So what the hell was the point of starting him in three straight games? Morons.

– I don’t want to talk about umpires. I may have been on the fence before about the use of replay in baseball, but the cornucopia of terrible calls this year from umpires proves that these men are way too human and should be replaced entirely with machines. Two examples:

This was a ridiculous and completely emotional ejection by the umpire. He threw out the Brewers’ best starting pitcher after FOUR pitches and completely changed the entire game. A machine would never do this because a machine does not feel emotion. (Note that I am talking about non-sentient machines. A Transformer like Ironhide is notoriously hot-headed and would probably not be a good umpire. Starscream would also be a terrible umpire. But of course this is a moot point, because both of these individuals died during the 1985 animated movie, and Michael Bay is dead to me.)

This one the umpire eventually got right. But he sure looked stupid. And with two outs and two strikes in the 9th inning, he looks even stupider. But as stupid as he looks (and that’s pretty stupid), this was an honest mistake and one he immediately rectified. In my opinion, the bad call in the Brewers-Astros game was much worse, and the umpire that threw out Greinke should have faced severe sanctions for his abuse of power and loss of temper. What do you think?

– I don’t want to talk about R.A. Dickey. It has become apparent to me over his last few starts that he is not the second coming. I am disappointed.